The Insufficiency of Words

I work in words.  I always have.  Yet there are times in my life where words are insufficient.  Where they do too much or too little.  This is one of those times.

I haven't blogged in the last week because I don't know what to say or how to say it.  This blog, in a way, is a public record.  I don't want to hurt my best friend anymore than she's been hurt, but I need to write about what's happened.  If details are a little sketchy, it's on purpose.  If things are a little sappy, forgive me.  Mostly, read this with understanding.

Erica Qualls has been my best friend since sixth grade.  For some people that may not seem like a big deal.  It is for me.  I have a difficult time making and keeping friends.  But Erica and I were friends from the first day we met and we've stayed close all these years later.  When she needs me I know it.  I don't know how, I just do.  On Sunday night I called her, I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew she needed me.  What an understatement.

She texted me that she would call me back later, but couldn't right then.  That wasn't out of the ordinary, she's a busy girl.  Monday night I learned that her father, my Daddy Qualls, had died.  I called her crying.  Although money is ridiculously tight right now I flew to Texas to be with her, to help her, and to take care of her.  It all sounds so heroic, but it was selfish too.  I needed to say good-bye to Daddy Qualls, and I needed to do it in person.

The week went by in a blur.  Early mornings, late nights, trying to take care of all the things that need to be taken care of when someone suddenly dies.  There were a lot of times when I just wanted to break down into a puddle of tears, but there was too much to do.

This is so hard to talk about, so hard to even wrap my mind around.  You think you know about suicide, you've heard about it, read about it, maybe even thought about it.  The reality is so different.  A lot of people's first reaction is, "That's so selfish" which it is, but you have to remember that there are people left behind who are trying to mourn and let go of this person they never got to say good-bye to.  I saw how truly insignificant things can seem like the end of the world, but they don't have to be unless you let them.  The most important lesson I've taken away from this, though, is that no matter what happens in life, don't make your choices based on someone else. Anyone else.

John Qualls was a good man who I loved.  I am going to miss him and I know there won't be a day that passes that his daughter won't miss him.  This awkwardly written blog is hardly a tribute to him, but it's the best I can do.